Ladies and Gentlemen, I have come face to face with the Turkey Sandwich Nazi.
I spend a good amount of my time in Seattle. And for a while now, people have been talking up this place that serves great Turkey Sandwiches using REAL, freshly sliced Turkey. They also told me that there were some rules at this place: cash only and know what you want before they ask for your order. If you fuck around, you will be scolded.
The name of the place is Bakeman’s Restaurant. A non-descriptive name for a non-descriptive place.
Upon entering, I encountered a cafeteria-style line and noticed a tray of freshly cut WHITE Turkey meat and one of DARK Turkey Meat. Not really knowing the system, I asked for white Turkey meat on Rye. “White or Wheat?!” they yelled back at me. Ok, I went with the Wheat. I was also rejected when I asked for my bread to be toasted. It’s all about speed at Bakeman’s and they don’t have time to toast bread.
It was also a bit stressful to choose cheese and condiments. I don’t remember what cheese I chose first, but they didn’t have it. And if you want deli mustard, you have to make a special request or you’ll get the yellow shit.
At the end of the line, there was this man, The Turkey Sandwich Nazi:
Sorry for the bad photo, but this guy is elusive. He shuffles customers through the end of the line with speed and precision and just doesn’t have time to be posing for photos – even if it is for the The Turkey Sandwich Report.
His main objective is to up sell your ass. He pushes the pie, cornbread and soft drinks pretty hard. But as much as he wants to squeeze a few more bucks out of you, he has no time for indecision. I took a few seconds to decide what I wanted and the pressure he put on me was palpable. I panicked and ordered a big piece of Cornbread and 7-up. Since when do I drink 7-Up?
As for the sandwich, any time I can get a sandwich with real Turkey, I enjoy it. There wasn’t anything fancy about my sandwich, but that’s fine with me. It was like a sandwich I would make after Thanksgiving.
Note to Mr. Turkey Sandwich Nazi:
Sir, I promise to have my shit together next time I come in, which will be in the very near future. I will not ask for my bread to be toasted and I will brush up on the kinds of cheese you offer. And I will just tell you now, I would like to have a Dr. Pepper with my Turkey Sandwich. By getting my drink choice out of the way now, we’ll save us at least 5 seconds. I hope you’re not mad at me.