Snarf’s Lies About Their Size

I have a few friends that talk a big game about Snarf’s.  They’re constantly telling me that Snarf’s is the shit and how I need to go there more often.  I tried Snarf’s when they opened up a location here in Denver about a year and a half ago.  I wasn’t all that impressed back then, but I’m even less impressed now.

First, let’s get straight on the sizes of sandwiches that Snarf’s offers.  They offer three sizes:

  • Novice (5″) for $5.75
  • Snarf’s (7″) for $6.50
  • And their Pro (12″) for $9.75

Being that I am a Professional Turkey Sandwich eater, I accepted the Snarf’s challenge and ordered the Pro.  I wasn’t super hungry, but I always like to plan a few meals in advance, so I thought I could eat half now and save half for later.

When I got home, I started inspect the sandwich.  I don’t want to be cocky or anything, but I know a footlong when I see it, and this sandwich felt like it was a couple inches short.  I wanted to know if the Pro is actually an amateur – So I measured it:

Snarf's "pro"

This photo actually made it look longer than it really was, so I took a closer shot:

Snarf's right

This Looks like about 10 3/8″ sandwich to me.  We’ll give Snarf’s the benefit of the doubt and call it 10 1/2″, but not any longer than that.  If my math is correct, that’s a full 1 1/2″ short of what they advertise on their menu.  If a Snarf’s “Pro” costs $9.75, that’s $.81/inch, which means that Snarf’s just ripped me off to the tune of $1.20.

So here’s the deal.  I will be contacting Snarf’s to address this issue.  I may even file a class-action lawsuit against Snarf’s on behalf of all the people that have received a 10 1/2″ sandwich when they actually bought 12 inches.  Stay tuned, folks.  The Turkey Sandwich Report is going to get to the bottom of this.

Oy Vey, Zaidy’s Makes a Good Turkey Sandwich!

Zaidy's Smoked Turkey and Apple

My Jewish friends here in Denver have been telling me, “Neal, if you want to ess a good Turkey Sandwich, you need to eat at Zaidy’s. Everything else is chazerei.”  Then some of them say, “Neal, if you don’t like the Turkey Sandwich at Zaidy’s, you’re fercockt.”

I’ve lived in Denver for three years and I have not taken their advice and gone to Zaidy’s.  I was starting to feel like a real nebbish.

Today I finally got my tuches over to Zaidy’s to give their Turkey Sandwich a try.  I ordered the Smoked Turkey and Apple Sandwich and Ay-Yay-Yay this is a great Turkey Sandwich.  To be honest, I could have schtupped this sandwich.  Real Turkey, bacon, apples and a really thick honey mustard sauce – I was totally ferdrayt.

Next time you’re in Denver and looking for a place to drop some gelt on a Turkey Sandwich, go to Zaidy’s.

For a translation on some of these phrases, click here.

What the Hell was I Thinking?

The Rising Roll is a new place in town that I’ve been meaning to try for a while.  Earlier this week, I finally got a chance to stop by.  I was REALLY hungry, so I’m going to use that as my excuse for not thinking straight here:

I have no idea what I was thinking, but I ordered a Turkey Sandwich with Cole Slaw on it.  Cole Slaw?   I don’t even like Cole Slaw.  Maybe on a pulled pork sandwich, but not on Turkey.

Turkey Sandwich with Cole Slaw?

What did we learn here? No matter how hungry you are, you gotta keep your head in the game.  You need to make good decisions when you order.  ORDER THE RIGHT WAY!

Cheeba Hut Can’t Hold The Pickle Barrel’s Jock

The Pickle Barrel!!, originally uploaded by nealdstewart.

I’m going to make a bold statement: The Pickle Barrel has the best Turkey Sandwich in Fort Collins, CO.

“What happened to Cheba Hut? you might ask. That’s a great question.

Here’s the deal with Cheeba Hut:
1. Their sandwiches are ok. Nothing great, but ok.
2. I feel used. Right about a year ago, the head honchos over at Cheeba Hut invited me up to Fort Collins. They wined me, dined me and pumped me for uber-valuable Turkey Sandwich information. I gave them everything thing I had. Well, guess what? I haven’t heard from them since that fateful Turkey Sandwich Summit and I’m pretty sure they’re scheming up some Turkey Sandwiches with all of the ideas I gave them.

So I feel used.  Robbed of my Turkey Sandwich innocence.

The funny part is that one of the sandwiches I dreamed up for them included BBQ Sauce. Well lo and behold, right down the street, not more than a stones throw away from Cheeba Hut is The Pickle Barrel. And guess what The Pickle Barrel has? A Turkey Sandwich with BBQ Sauce. Take a look at it here.

It’s called the Wiley Coyote and it fucking blows the doors off anything Cheeba Hut makes. Cheeba Hut’s Midwest’s Best can’t hold Wiley Coyote’s jock. Serious.

The crazy thing is that there is also a Which Wich on the same block! But, I can guaran-fucking-tee you this: everytime I’m in Fort Collins, I’m going to the Pickle Barrel. At least they’ll respect me in the morning.

The Great Mustard Hoax

Whole Foods lied to me today.  They LIED to me I say!

I was super excited when I saw a sandwich called “The Glendale” listed on the menu at the Colorado Blvd location.  The Glendale supposedly has peppered turkey, caramelized onions, honey mustard and mixed greens.

Bread Choice: Ciabatta

Cheese? Yes, Provolone.

Toasted? Yes.

Everything went went fine except for one very important thing.  Their mustard was much more of a yellow mustard rather than a honey mustard. Unacceptible.  Or as Mike Singeltary would say, “Can’t have it. Won’t have it.”

Yellow mustard ruins any Turkey Sandwich.  It’s like putting ketchup on steak.  It’s a faux pas.

And here is some proof of the yellowness of the mustard (click the video below).

Yellow Mustard Turkey Sandwich Video

How My Dog Shitting at the Office Led to a Turkey Sandwich

One of the perks of my job is that I can take my dog (Brady) to work.  The only problem is that she only likes the actual act of going to work and leaving work.  The rest of the day, Brady seems really bored.

This past week, Brady has been a little under the weather.  The vet put her on some medicine the week before to control her allergies and it just didn’t agree with her.  Consequently, she’s been shitting and pissing way more than normal.  To put this in context, from Thursday night to Friday Morning, I had to take her outside 4 times (two of which resulted in a dump) then she took another shit before we left for work and another one when we got there.  That’s a lot of poop for a dog that weighs 17 lbs.

Then a former co-worker came in to the office to pass out some samples of a new soda brand he is working on and he stepped in a pile of Brady shit – tracking it straight to my desk.

This forced me to make a trip to Safeway for some paper towels, cleaning spray, air freshener and carpet deodorizer – and a Turkey Sandwich.

The nice thing about the Safeway Deli is that you can upgrade from a 6″ to a Footlong for $1 more.  I got the Smokestack and this ended up being lunch, dinner and then breakfast this morning.

As for the poop, luckily it wasn’t too runny like it had been in the past few days and it cleaned up pretty well.  To be honest, the carpet in our office is pretty disgusting anyway, so it’s not that big of a deal.

As for Brady, don’t blame her.  She’s sick and can’t control this surge in pooping.  We’re going to the vet (again) on Monday.

IMG_0119

Denver Egotist: Get Off My Turf

Twice.  Count ’em, TWICE today, The Denver Egotist reported on sandwich shops launching new websites.

The first was on Jimmy John’s launching their new website:
Denver Egotist Jimmy Johns

The second was The Corner Bakery’s new website:

Denver Egotist Corner Bakery

Um, excuse me, but this is MY domain.  Do yourself and everyone else a favor and leave the sandwich reporting to the professionals – which is me.

What Ever Mojo Schlotzsky’s Had, They’ve Lost It

I remember when I was first introduced to Schlotzsky’s.  I wasn’t fanatical about their sandwiches, but I would always make a point to swing by if I was near their location on Manchester Road in St. Louis.  Then, when I moved to Austin, which is the HOME of Schlotzsky’s I got a little more excited about their stuff.  There seemed to be a certain energy in this particular Schlotzsky’s location (South First and Barton Springs area).  They had iMacs in there so you could jump on the internet.  That seemed cool to me.

These days, Schlotzsky’s is a morgue.  Seriously, I never see anyone in there.  It’s hard to believe, but when I go inside Schlotzsky’s. it’s right up there on the “Bore Quotient” with Boston Market.  No music and the employees are uber bored ’cause they ain’t got no sandwiches to make.

With great trepidation, I stopped by Schlotzsky’s today because they are right next door to the tennis shop where I get my racquets restrung.  I literally stood outside the door debating if I wanted to get back in my car and go out of my way down to Smilin’ Moose or just go to Schlotzsky’s.  Fuck it, I’ll give Schlotzsky’s the nod.

My problem with this place is that their menu is really tired.  They don’t ever experiment with new breads or  sauces.  Every time, I get the same boring-ass Smoked Turkey Sandwich.  Every fucking time.  This sandwich is so boring, I actually let them put some of their crappy mayo on there.  The only reason this sandwich looks tasty is because I took a totally fucking awesome picture.  But believe me, this is a boring sandwich.

Schlotzsky's Turkey Sandiwich

My advice to Schlotzsky’s:

  • Your pizzas suck.  Get out of the pizza business.
  • While you’re at it. revamp the whole fucking menu.  It needs it.
  • Toy around with some new breads, and sauces.  And I know it’s not your thing – but add cheese to some sandwiches.
  • Lay off the stupid olives.  You don’t need them on EVERY sandwich.

This advice is free.  But if you want to talk more, I’ll have to charge you.  I’m not sure how much, but it will cost you something.

The Smiling Moose is in the House

I had a full day to myself today.  Worked from home and had dinner by myself too.  That meant that I could do whatever the hell I wanted for dinner – and did I ever take advantage of it.

First off, the Smiling Moose has moved into the neighborhood and I had not officially welcomed them, so I swung by there for a large Dinner Roll.  This is a damn good sandwich since it is part Turkey Sandwich, part Cheesesteak and Part French Dip.  How sweet is that?

Second, I swung by Wendy’s.  Since I was working from home all day, I had the TV on and they were pushing these Strawberry Shakes that were calling my name.  So I went by there to get one of those deals and I while I was at it, I got some fries to go with the Dinner Roll.

Dinner Roll from Smling Moose

What?  You have a problem with me going to two different spots to gather my Dinner?  It’s not like you’ve never done that before.  And if you say you haven’t, you’re lying.

Whole Foods’ Turkey Sandwiches Just Not Meeting My Expectations

Let me start by saying that Whole Foods’ pizza is the shit.  I love that stuff.  So maybe their pizza has set an level of expectation that are so incredibly high, that their sandwiches just can’t get their.  Phil Mickelson isn’t a bad golfer, he just sucks compared to Tiger Woods – that’s all.

I got the Country Club Club from Whole Foods today.  I actually wanted the pizza, but I haven’t had a Turkey Sandwich in a while, so I thought I better eat one, so all you sons of bitches stop whining, “Why hasn’t he reviewed a Turkey Sandwich lately?

There’s just something that is off with their Turkey Sandwiches.  I thought it was me when the last time I was there, I got a TS with Brie and Chipotle mayo.  That wasn’t good, but I thought it was the cheese/spread combo that fucked it up.

Strange thing happened today, the TS tasted pretty much the same as that last piece of crap I had.  So it’s them.  Not me.  In fact, it’s never me.  Always them.  I know Turkey Sandwiches WAY better than them.

I took a picture of this sandwich, but screw it.  I’m not putting it on here.  Not worth my time.